來年

跨年這一天，我哪兒都沒去。

來英國的第三年，前兩年聖誕與跨年都在倫敦城。也許並沒有特別怎樣鋪張的慶祝活動，但我樂於在大城市走馬看花。縱使交通都因為節慶變得不便，我已習慣在城市裡漫步，看看櫥窗也能自得其樂。而今年，由於一月初要去牛津發表論文，便索性待在家過安靜的節。

2009的12月31日，睡醒之後有異常好的陽光，雖然推開窗後依舊寒意十足。從十二月開始忙碌的一切都暫時告終，我貪圖著睡意，窩在床上賴了一會，起床盥洗後，餵貓，作我慣吃的蔬菜煎蛋、泡一杯咖啡、煎兩片土司，打開電腦看著不算跟得緊的節目消遣時光，爾後換上針織衫與羊毛外套，搭公車去學校圖書館看自己喜歡的書。然後安靜下來；在空曠無人的校園裡等公車的時候，在公車亭裡高唱Don’t Rain On My Parade。上了公車，看到窗外的月亮，巨大得好不真實。網上新聞通報，原來這就是俗稱的「藍月」。他們說「藍月」並非指月亮變藍，而是一個月中的第二次滿月。他們且說，下一次藍月發生要等至2028年。

站在這個時間點上，難以預料2028年。就像開始跨年這件事的1999年，我們以為見證了世紀交替的盛事，開始把這件事變得盛大，其實說穿也不過就是尋常一日。就像今年，除了遠方的煙花傳來轟隆聲響，除了深夜的街道上響起一些青少年酒醉後的嬉鬧聲，我並未感到什麼不同。我在這個晚上聽的專輯是Train的Save Me San Francisco；泡的茶是orange pekoe口味；讀完的書是Anthony Bourdain的Kitchen Confidential。但因為這是2009年的最後一天，這也成為我今年度最後聽完、喝完、讀完的陪伴。而來年，秒鐘只一動，世界等著也不外乎是倒數計時，以及相互擁抱。

一個嶄新的開始。

新年的第一日，陽光依舊當好。寒冷裡的陽光似乎因凝結而變得具體。我打開電腦，播放Owl City的專輯，抱起Tiger Lily，一樣在落地窗前，看後院的風吹草動。後院來了另外的貓，頸子上還有名牌，想來是人家養的，也祇是一時貪玩。魚池依舊結冰，但隔著薄冰可以看見下頭的金魚一隻隻都鮮豔美麗，看來寒冷並未打擊他們。我在這一天改完了發表的文章，聽的是Angels in America與Atonement的原聲帶。改完文章，便在youtube上搜尋，竟意外發現有好心人上傳了Angels in America的全集，便迫不及待看起了我最愛的Chapter Six：Heaven, I’m in Heaven。這一章節裡，除了有我最愛的與天使摔跤的典故，我更貪圖回味兩個部分。一個部分是Prior來到天堂，向各大洲天使們索取更多生命的祝福時，Emma Thompson飾演的天使跟Prior說了這樣一段話：

You only think you do. Life is a habit with you. You have not seen what is to come: We have! What will the grim Unfolding of these Latter Days bring? That you or any Being should wish to endure them? Death more plenteous than all Heaven has tears to mourn it, The slow dissolving of the Great Design, The spiralling apart of the Work of Eternity, The World and its beautiful particle logic All collapsed. All dead, forever. We are failing, failing, The Earth and the Angels. Oh who asks of the Orders Blessing With Apocalypse Descending? Who demands: More Life? When Death like a Protector, Blinds our eyes, shielding from tender nerve, More horror than can be borne. Let any Being on whom Fortune smiles Creep away to Death Before that last dreadful daybreak. When all your ravaging returns to you, When morning blisters crimson And bears all life away, A tidal wave of Protean Fire That curls around the planet And bares the Earth clean as bone.

而Prior回以：

But still - still! Bless me anyway. I want more life. I can't help myself. I do. I've lived through such terrible times. And there are people who have lived through much, much worse. But you see them living anyway. When they are more spirit than body, More sores than skin. When they are burned and in agony, When flies lay eggs in the corners of the eyes of their children, They live! Death usually has to take life away. I don't know if that's just the animal. I don't know if it's not braver to die. But I recognize the habit. The addiction to being alive. We live past hope. If I can find hope anywhere, That's it. That's the best I can do. It's so much not enough. It's so inadequate. But still, Bless me, anyway. I want m

ore life.

我當然更喜歡最後在公園裡，Prior對著鏡頭說話：

This is my favorite place in New York City. No, in the whole universe. The parts of it I have seen. On a day like today. A sunny winter's day, warm and cold at once. The sky's a little hazy, so the sunlight has a physical presence, a character. In autumn, those trees across the lake are yellow, and the sun strikes those most brilliantly. Against the blue of the sky, that sad fall blue, those trees are more light than vegetation. They are Yankee trees, New England transplants. They're barren now. It's January 1990. I've been living with AIDS for five years. That's six whole months longer than I lived with Louis […] This angel. She's my favorite angel. I like them best when they're statuary. They commemorate death but they suggest a world without dying. They are made of the heaviest things on earth, stone and iron, they weigh tons but they're winged, they are engines and instruments of flight […] The fountain's not flowing now, they turn it off in the winter, ice in the pipes. But in the summer it's a sight to see. I want to be around to see it. I plan to be. I hope to be. This disease will be the end of many of us, but not nearly all, and the dead will be commemorated and will struggle on with the living, and we are not going away. We won't die secret deaths anymore. The world only spins forward. We will be citizens. The time has come. Bye now. You are fabulous creatures, each and every one. And I bless you: More Life. The Great Work Begins.

這一段總是讓我覺得莫名地被安慰了。生命原來是習慣，不能自己的習慣；索求，對於未來境遇未知的索求；癮頭，需要以活著證明自己存在的癮頭；或是希望，疾病與死亡、天堂與上帝都無法剝奪而去的，請求與祝福：我想要更多生命。想要看見疾病被醫治，看見靈魂被安慰，看見傷痛與微笑，或祇是看見再來的季節裡，一座噴泉重新被打開。

看見越過森林與湖泊的陽光。
看見千禧年。
看見由地球上升起的靈魂，織網填補臭氧層的破洞。

看見來年裡，偉大造物將開始動工。我們依舊會活著的。繼續愛。繼續傷痛。繼續微笑。繼續落淚。繼續死亡。繼續新生。繼續各式各樣的練習。練習墜落，練習告別，練習生命，練習改變，練習著前往冥王星的旅途。

就像我們都喜歡的那支歌，Season of Love。How do you measure a year?

Remember to love. You got to, you got to, remember to LOVE...

我們會繼續愛。繼續追著月亮。繼續往前划去。

2010年開始。我們都要好好的。